Monday, June 3, 2013

Bikini vs. One Piece; Body Image

The lovely Kelly keeps urging me to wear a bikini. She rocks one and thinks I should too! I know most people would look at my pictures and tell me I am ready to wear a bikini, but ah.... the self-consciousness I feel is INTENSE.

My stomach is where I gained most of my weight when I was overweight/obese. I am always super aware of it now, even though no one else is. I'm afraid by wearing a bikini, all of a sudden, everyone else would be super aware of it as well. I know I would be obsessing!!

So, for now, I will be sticking with my one pieces :) For example, I went to a local hiking and swimming area with Koda and Chris yesterday and wore my one piece to enjoy the water with my crazy dog:


I still get to have all of the fun, but not be constantly thinking about how I look.

It made me realize I still have a LONG, looooong way to go before I really, truly love my body as it is. As I've written before, I have some pretty intense body dysmorphia. But I also haven't completely forgiven my past self for letting my body get so out of control. Some loose skin and stretch marks are reminders of that, reminders that really bug me every day.

I am not in a place of acceptance of my body, not yet. I'm working on it, though. I have stopped hiding my body because I know logically it does not deserve to be hidden. I try to stop myself when I catch myself looking in a ton of mirrors and judging my body. I do yoga to find peace with my own body.

It's interesting. Women with a wide variety of bodies will feel comfortable in bikinis. Other women, also with a wide variety of bodies, wouldn't be caught dead in a bikini.

We are all so different and all dealing with so many tough things regarding body imagine, confidence, and value.

I definitely am affected by the media's idea of what a "bikini body" is, how they constantly rip apart every flaw of a celebrity that is wearing a bikini, lauding the most perfect bodies and slamming the others. I am not perfect. I never will be. And it freaks me out! It shouldn't, but it does. 

My hope is that my future daughters or granddaughters will be comfortable in their own skin in a way I never was.

Namaste <3

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