Friday, April 3, 2015

Feeling Uncomfortable in My Body

I am fully sunk into a grain/carb coma right now. And yes, I feel much better, nausea-wise when I eat this way! Terrible. Chris made sausage and peppers last night, which smelled like death to me, and I ate coconut macaroons for dinner >.<

Like Karen said on my previous post, there will be a way to eat and listen to my body without making POOR choices (like cookies for dinner.. or binging on low-nutrition items, etc) and I need to put more effort into it.

I was 129 the last time I weighed, and I must be 130 or so by now. That would put me at about 5 pounds gain since I found out I was pregnant. And I definitely should not gain any more, since I am just shy of 2 months along! That's the max of what I expected to gain in the whole first trimester.


Ah well. I am just feeling doughy and bloaty and generally not comfortable in my clothes. Plus, my mood is SO up and down, and these feelings of unattractiveness get magnified. I'm just generally uncomfortable during the day. Definitely understand when people said, you're body is not your own anymore. I don't recognize this body and how it feels and what it needs!

I did a lot of mental "getting real" with myself the last half-year or so, knowing I would be trying to get pregnant. I had to get over whatever body-image issues I had because paramount above everything is creating a healthy body for myself so I can help my child grow well. That's the end of the story. No matter how I felt about gaining weight, I would never eat less than I/my child needed.

So while I am doing exactly that - I'm still struggling mentally a bit with the process. Especially when I feel so, so insanely crappy and tired and sick. I've never felt so out of control of my own body. So unable to have energy to do the things I love and have made me feel good and strong.

I think what will help me is if I can get back into a groove of healthy behaviors - doing my daily yoga, some light body-weight strength training, and eating WELL. I don't have to eat things that make me sick (sorry, majority of vegetables!), but I can make better decisions. Cookies for dinner isn't really conducive towards feeling like I'm doing good things for my body and my pregnancy >.<

(Side note: they were probably the most delicious macaroons I've ever eaten!)

It's been a strange time. Especially as I wait for my ultrasound next week to see if all is well and there really is a viable pregnancy going on. I feel in this sort of in-between stage of being pregnant but not REALLY knowing. I'm not as open in my real life as I am on my blog (almost no one I know in real life reads this, and those who might I already told anyway). So I am just going about, acting normal, except when I am home sick in bed, and not really letting myself fall in love with this potential life just yet (though, that's hard - yesterday I cried when I thought about holding my baby for the first time). Doing my best to distract myself from getting nervous, doing what I can to just not think about it.... looking forward to a time when I CAN think about it, talk about it with family/friends, plan for exciting times ahead.

I'm a bit of an emotional wreck.. in a way that I can completely handle, but still :)

I've been on a few pregnancy message boards, talking to women who've just found out they are pregnant but before their ultrasound/past the usual time for miscarriage, and I know I am not completely alone in these thoughts.

Sorry for the rant that doesn't have much to do with the purpose of this blog - but this is what is going on in my head constantly. And I am trying so hard to achieve the whole, well-rounded health that I value so much.... it's going to be a lot of work.

More than looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow :) I think it will do my brain a world of good!

Namaste <3

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