Tuesday, July 2, 2013

400th Post - blogging, wedding, "being pretty."

Well, don't I have a lot to say?? 400 posts. I didn't really think I would use this blog as much as I do when I started it. In fact, I started it just so I could put a face/name/story to all the comments I was making on OTHER blogs!

But this blog has become one of my most valuable tools for maintaining weight loss and fitness. I love the community I have found, the support and understanding from the (mainly) women I've met. I love the accountability. I don't have a large readership, but the hundred or so people that pop by every day keep me honest -  I want them to know ME, me as honest and real as I can be. And I just love writing in general! I love getting my thoughts out on "paper" and getting them out of my crazy brain. It helps keep me sane.

I dropped 0.2 pounds today, haha... it's a few ounces, but every little bit helps! It was nice to see a little movement on the scale since I weighed in at EXACTLY 123.6 every day for a week (I thought my scale was broken, actually, haha). Still have a little hope I will see 122.something for my wedding dress fitting :) It is on July 9th, so I have more than a chance if I stay the course.

Summer is in full freaking swing around here, despite the constant rain. First up is July 4th, where we will be hiking a little and seeing Chris' family at the cabin. Then I have my first bridal shower (the two sides of the family are holding different ones since they live in very different places) this weekend - this bridal shower weekend is busy, busy, busy because I also am getting a new haircut, getting engagement photos taken, and meeting with the cake lady! The wedding is being held 2.5 hours north of me, so we have to cram in a lot in the weekends we go up north.

I am starting to feel like a bride - ah! It is so strange. I have a pretty, flowy white dress I am wearing for the photos and the bridal shower. I will have a pretty new haircut. It feels so strange to focus so much on "prettiness." Most of my adult life I have just focused on getting a rocking body, I didn't really care what I wore or how my hair looked too much, because I have this theory that if you have a slamming body, people think you look good anyway, haha :)

I've been putting a little more effort into my clothes this year. Just to feel better about things in general. Anything to combat the sneaky depression, ennui, and lethargy that can so easily overtake my mental state.

But this weekend?

Being the focus of a party? Where I have tried to look really pretty?


In my heart of hearts, I remember that child, that teenager and that young adult me - the chubby, awkward, not-so-pretty, uncomfortable me. I remember her and still feel how she felt a lot of the time. Sometimes, with lots of compliments from Chris and encouragement from the world at large, I feel like a lovely grown woman.

But when I am the focus, when everyone is looking at me, I cringe a little. I don't want everyone to SEE me - afraid they will see what I was for so, so long. Because I do still feel that way, a lot.

I will try my best to take a deep breath, take a realistic look in the mirror, realize I am in my 30s, rocking the lowest weight I've ever been in my whole life (well, I suppose I was this weight in 7th or 8th grade, but I was fat then and young then - it doesn't count!), and Chris thinks I am beautiful. That's all that should matter.

I will also try not to drink and eat too much at my bridal shower out of nervousness!!!

But for today - I've had my yogurt, coffee, took the dog on his walk, ran all my errands and now am going to scrub the hardwood floors. Fun! ;)

Namaste. Stay strong. Know you are beautiful.

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