Thursday, August 29, 2013

Body Image, Acceptance, Happiness

Ahhh, it is like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Lots of the to-do list is crossed off for the wedding (8 days to go!): seating chart, place cards, accommodations in the on-venue cabins for friends, vows, etc, etc. I actually have no SPECIFIC task I need to do today, and that feels.... strange and amazing :D

Weighed in at 120.0 today. Loving it. Feeling great. Been hanging around this lower weight for a couple of weeks now and feel happy here. I know 127-129 isn't a "bad" or unhealthy weight, but seeing myself here for the first time as an adult? I am proud of my body in a way I haven't truly been proud of it before.

I've always tried to love my body, to accept it. I read a lot of weight loss blogs - there is a mantra (a good one, I think!) that goes around that you should love the body you have, even if you are in the process of transformation. I tried, I really did, but I never fully loved my body in the past. It's so much easier said than done for people who have been obese for an extended period of time and lapsed into a habit of self-loathing.

I didn't want to feel any sort of bad about myself on my wedding day. That was the goal, more so than a specific weight. I want to be happy, that's all.

Isn't that the struggle? It's been my struggle for many years. Since I was still a child (and lost my mom). How to really, truly feel happiness? How to be content, with my life, my mind, my body?

It's still my struggle, that peace, that contentedness. A lifelong journey to find it. And I think the journey is the whole point, that is what makes life.

All I know, is that when I stand up in front of my family, friends, and whatever forces govern this world, and face my man I love with all my heart, that I won't be thinking about my body - I won't be squirming and fidgeting with my dress, I won't be worried about what people are thinking, I won't cringe with every click of a camera.

I will be happy :)

I know this to be true - I just need to embrace this more.

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