Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Extreme Weight Loss: emotional eating and bulimia

First I will say I still weight the same today: 123.5

Ever so slightly disappointed in myself. I got off my schedule and routine since Saturday - and while I didn't go crazy with eating and gain weight, I wasn't careful.

Now I am going to go into my final wedding dress fitting (on Friday) kind of NOT where I wanted to be. And I wonder if I lose weight between the final fitting and the wedding if the dress will still fit right? If I manage to lose four pounds will four pounds make a difference in the fit???

Bleh, I won't dwell on it too much. It doesn't do me any good.

So last night I watched Extreme Weight Loss - I like that show, despite some obvious problems with the UN-reality of the situation, I think Chris Powell is an actually good guy, even though any famous weight loss guru has to worry about the show just as much as the person they are training, I think he does a good job of being compassionate and genuinely caring.

The focus of last night's show was a girl who gained weight after her moms death when she was young. It rang a bell for me, obviously, though she ended up over 200 pounds overweight while I ended up 70-80 pounds overweight. I felt for her. I know what that loss does to a young girl.

I still struggle with it as my wedding approaches. Sometimes, I just want my mom.

It was also a reminder how tragedy/loss/emotional pain/sadness is often a trigger for weight gain - food is comfort, food helps you forget briefly.

And it made me feel really proud of how far I've come from that little girl that ate to protect herself from her pain. I lost my dad last year in a way more traumatic way than I lost my mom - and here I sit, about 2 pounds from my lowest adult weight. I've done a good job, and no matter if I weigh 123 or 119 on my wedding day, I know I should be proud of myself... my dad would be proud. He would think I was beautiful.

The show also followed the girl as she struggled with bulimia as a method to keep eating for comfort but still lose weight. That was a big part of my life in my early 20s as I could not let go of the comfort eating, and eventually the CONTROL of purging became just as reassuring.

I am proud that, despite many obsessive thoughts that binging and purging would make me feel better, I haven't gone back. Despite all the turmoil this year, I have dealt with emotions rather than eating or binging/purging to forget about them.

Yesterday was tough for me - many social/family/life problems popped up and I freaked out. For the first time in months, I thought that I could go to a fast food place, get burgers and fries, and go to a bakery and get a bunch of cupcakes and just binge and purge to my heart's content and I could just FREAKING FEEL BETTER FOR ONCE.

I didn't do that.

I waited through it. Felt all the bad feelings, the sadness and the frustration. And I came out on the other side.

No matter what I weigh now - I don't use food in ANY way to fix my problems.

And that's huge for me.

Love and Light to you. <3

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