Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Optimism, Disordered use of the scale

Asking for the universe to take some care with me right now! I am hopeful. A friend heard about a job with the city where she works that would be perfect for me, and sent along my information. She did this out of the blue and just because she knows I am in need right now. It makes me dangerously optimistic! But I keep getting optimistic and nothing comes of it (seriously - museums won't even respond to my desire to VOLUNTEER, much less to work there!).

My adviser did hook me up with a teaching job in the spring, and though it's just one class, it's great - as a resume builder AND to stop this cycle of unemployment.

Things just feel so overwhelming and impossible much of the time. I am putting my trust in karmic balance that at SOME point, good things will start to happen just like all the bad things.

I want so much to just BE. But I do feel as if I am struggling (and flailing about wildly) lately.

Soooo, I was thinking today as I did my daily weigh in (121.8, which was great!)-

I know that I have some leftover bad habits from when I was fully immersed in my disordered eating - I weigh myself every day (I used to weigh myself up to a dozen times a day!). I rarely use body measurements (which are a better indicator of success and fitness than the scale, which is so easily affected by menstrual cycles or if I didn't drink enough water or whatever.

I took my measurements today, standard bust-waist-hip at 33-26-35. I remember the last time I took my waist measurements were over a year ago, before I went paleo and I was hovering between 29 and 30 inches. That's a great 3 inches of fat off my abdomen since embarking on this journey of eating paleo, eating clean, and focusing on exercise (not just the weekend hikes I used to do, but purposeful exercise daily even if it is just yoga).

It would be better if I just used weekly measurements to make sure I was still where I wanted to be!

Gwen urged me to not weigh in every day, especially in these days leading up to my wedding. But, as I said, I feel as if I am striving and struggling here, and for some reason, I just can't give it up. I sometimes will skip a day. And sometimes (like this coming weekend) I will be camping and not near a scale for four days. I am not so addicted to the scale that this fact bothers me (it's actually kind of a relief!).

Like I said, the use of the scale is not as intense as when I was in the height of my disordered eating, but it's is a leftover symptom of a way to feel some control. This is not the month I am ready to deal with that problem, ha.

Here I am, unfailingly human, continuously learning, never perfect, trying.

Eat clean, treat your body well, move it around, and do something for your spirit today. Namaste <3

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