Wednesday, January 21, 2015

It's all done..

The family plots at the cemetery are filled... My grandpa first, then my mom, my dad, and now my grandma. I'm glad they are all together again, spiritually. Each successive loss hurt those left behind worse and worse. My grandmother was so tired. 

The day of her funeral was sunshiny bright, though quite cold. But a lovely day.

I feel a sense of closure after all the services. The priest was so kind when he spoke of her - he knew her, her beautiful humor, her subtle strength, her class, her love. I'll miss her for the rest of my life, but I'm at peace. 

I spent the rest of the day with Chris, as he took the day off. We ran errands, took a long walk, watched TV in bed, and just took our time to rest.

Lots of animal snuggles, too (there is a black cat in this cuddle pic, I swear!):

At the getogether after the funeral, there was salad, two types of pasta, and chicken parm. So not great for not choosing grains! I had a huge plate of salad and a small piece of chicken, breading and all. I was starving after the long hours at the funeral home, the church and the cemetery. One last off plan meal kept small.

I ate eggs and sautéed veggies for dinner, drank a lot of water.

Weighed in at 124.4 this morning! I feel so relieved. I know I was surrounded by grains for the past week and there was a stark lack of veggies available, but I never gave myself permission to go off the rails and overeat. Like many pointed out, and as I have learned, food will not heal the hurts of my spirit.

I used exercise to help calm myself this week, which has been overall really beneficial (less anxiety, a feeling of pride, better sleep, etc). Lots of walks, serious yoga time, and some at-home cardio/strength workouts. 

I ate moderate portions this past week, and often tried to pick the slightly-less harmful food (for example, at the dinner at my uncles after the wake, the only food was sandwiches, but I didn't eat the roll, just the meat and cheese) that helped mitigate off-plan food choices.

I am still recovering from the grains, processed sugars and other junk.. I'm itchy all over and pretty broken out.

I feel am extreme sense of relief to be back to normal today. No intense emotional rituals, no forced social engagements after hours of not eating, no limited food choices.

I almost fell down the rabbit hole of grief and emotional eating during this time. But I pulled myself out before I fell through.

And, as suggested, I will return to dedicating time each day to working through my anxiety (I have a work book that was recommended by my therapist last year, but I haven't taken the time to go through yet).

Progress is my goal... I'm not perfect, but I do want to do better, and know I can <3

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