Thursday, February 12, 2015

Where I Am At

I wanted to post just so that no one who reads me regularly thinks anything is wrong!

Things are fine in my neck of the woods - routine is back in place: nice morning to set me up for the day, work day, home for school work, dinner and family cuddle time and bad TV :)

I will say that I have hesitated to blog for a couple of days because I am wrestling with those disordered demons in my head. My weight continues to stay up (around 125/126) despite my food and activity and general taking-care-of-myself being BETTER than they have in months.

The normalized thoughts in my head, the thoughts of the healthy-living blogger who has done a lot of self discovery are this:

- This is normal and okay.

- Your health is good and that's the major reason you do ANY of this!

- A few pounds is not reflective of your self-worth.

- The effort you are putting into your health right now (sleeping, eating well, stay active, drinking water, etc) is reflected in your strong, healthy body and it is something to be proud of.

The disordered part of me, that still lingers somewhere in the recesses of my mind, that part of me that really had a hold of me for many years during my obesity and following my initial weight loss... well, that part of me is hard to make go away completely, it's voice is loud, the patterns are deeply ingrained in me (I think it will take years of constant work till those patterns are totally broken). It says:

- You should really start restricting your food, this weight gain is going to continue until you are obese again.

- You should double your workouts, you are being lazy and it is reflected in your body.

- You don't look good and it's obvious.

- Obsess about this till your weight drops!!!

- Feel guilty about everything you eat, you shouldn't be eating, you're gaining weight.

So... it's those tendencies that might keep me from blogging as much as I usually do. I don't want to indulge those thoughts, I don't want to get wrapped up in them. I have to focus on doing the work to consciously think positive, self-loving, proactive thoughts.

I know the disordered thoughts are just that... DISORDERED. They are not the truth, they are part of a sickness I had for a long time, a result of self-hatred and a low sense of self-worth. I know the rational truth. But, as many of you know, knowing the truth is different from feeling it, deeply believing it.

I will never let myself get to a disordered state again. But, sometimes that takes a lot of self-reflection and a lot of self-work. I want to rid myself of negative feelings about my body and weight. I started this blog because I knew I had a LOT of work to do, to achieve health in mind, body and spirit. It is a whole package deal.

So I might blog tomorrow, or the next day, I might not. I sometimes need to focus on my life when I get too wrapped up in thoughts about my body.... focus on my husband, my animals, my friends, my home, my school work, the real things that matter in this world. Wasting time with negative energy and thoughts about my weight is ridiculous and I do know that, but it takes work to escape it.

So that's where I am. Namaste <3

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