Friday, June 12, 2015

Body Dysmorphia while Pregnant

So I was going to take some pictures of myself on my break to show you all my baby bump. But it's not as apparent as I thought! I'm thicker than I used to be, but not so much super-pregnant looking yet! I'm at 4 1/2 months right now, so I just hit the halfway point :) That's exciting!

I'm struggling a little bit with body dysmorphia, in my head I look insanely pregnant and everyone can tell. I feel absolutely huge (it doesn't help that I don't have one pair of pants that zips up!), but then I look at pictures of myself and I kind of just look how I used to look before I went Paleo and trimmed up to my lowest weight.

The mirror tells me a different story than pictures do (looking in mirrors for me sometimes is like looking in fun-house mirrors, all distorted... pictures I see more normally). I still haven't completely cured my head from all that disordered nonsense, the dysmorphia. What I have cured myself of is letting myself act on any of those thoughts - so no worries there. I'm eating really well, keeping myself satiated, getting in moderate activity when I feel comfortable with it. Wanting so much to have a healthy child!

So I still have work to do - challenging those demons in my head. I don't want to pass on any disordered thoughts about body and size and health and weight to my child. It's just going to require to me to stay aware and keep working on it through time. I had gotten to a pretty healthy mental place (but I was also at my trimmest!) and when I started gaining weight with this pregnancy, I started having negative thoughts about my body again. The work is never done, mentally, and I shouldn't have gotten lax with the work when things felt easy. It's important to love my body at any weight, not just when I am trim and fit!

I'm proud of myself for recognizing these thoughts for what they are - disordered and false. However, they still plague me (just ask my husband! he hears my struggles/fears/anxiety too much) and I need to get control of them before they get control of me.

So that's my work in the near future :)

Otherwise, in life, I've applied for another promotion, working on getting the baby's room ready, plugging away at my dissertation, and trying to enjoy life when I am not too freaking exhausted! I think we are going to go strawberry picking tomorrow to load up on berries at an affordable price (I'll freeze most of them), and that's always a fun activity for me. 

The weekend should be beautiful in my part of the world. I hope you enjoy yours!

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